Wherein I Agree With Natasha Leggero Twice and Learn That Nietzche Was Right AKA Last Comic Standing Week 7

 I want you to imagine an actual asshole on your elbow. Seriously, a sphincter right there on the fleshy bit. What would be the practical purpose of such a thing? Perhaps there would be a purpose, if such a shift indicated a change in internal anatomy as well. Maybe the asshole on your elbow is your only asshole, so that anytime you go to the bathroom you have to just center your arm over the toilet and look away. How would you read while taking a dump, though? Such are the problems of the man or woman with an asshole on their elbow.

I can’t imagine it would be long before a fetish sprouted up around this new mutation, if it’s not already in place just waiting for that blessed day to arrive when they go from crazy perverts to sexual visionaries. The construction of the arm wouldn’t seem too accommodating of any sex acts, but maybe I’m just not thinking outside the box enough. My point in all of this is that Natasha Leggero is about as useful as an asshole on an elbow. Her usual comment is some variation on “You’re funny” – unless you’re Jonathan Thymius, who she called “silly, gross, and weird”. Seriously, that was her criticism of his act. Nothing constructive, just “I think you’re silly, gross, and weird.”

It just occurred to me that LCS could be building to a Carrie moment where pigs’ blood spills down on Natasha in the finale and we all laugh. Holy crap, that would be awesome.

So…THE JUDGES ARE BACK! After a week away, during which I’m sure you were all just as inconsolable as I was, the judges are back and ready to tell people they like them. LCS Fever! Catch it!

This way this goes down is they have Group One step forward, which is comprised of Roy Wood Jr, Mike DeStefano, James Adomian, and Myq Kaplan. Everyone else is sent away so that the fate of these four can be announced. Just once I’d like to hear “You people go away, there’ll be time enough to kill you later.” But there’s really no room for medieval humor on primetime television that isn’t making fun of Ren Faire dweebs, so I will die unfulfilled on that count. C’est la vie…

James Adomian is gone. I have to be honest with you, as a lifelong Cincinnati Bengals fan I was sure Myq would get the boot, as he’s the only one in that group for who I actually am cheering. So they air the RIP James bit where he declares that he was the best in the competition and chastises America for looking a gift horse in the mouth. Which works in Hip Hop, but not in comedy. We want our comedians full of depression and self-hatred! Learn some shame, Adomian!

Speaking of shame, Mike DeStefano performed first. He opened with a bit about expensive soap, asking if $75 soap cleans away shame. Funny line, but my distaste for DeStefano kind of taints my enjoyment of his set. I am alone in this, it seems. Dude kills everytime. Andy Kindler calls him “frightening yet lovable”. Leggero says he’s “very funny”. Greg Giraldo commented that you can tell a comedian has found their voice when they’re doing jokes that only they can do. Strangely, this comment is missing from any Jonathan Thymius segment. Hmmm…

Roy Wood Jr is up next. Roy did that thing where he made me like him by coming up with a bit that is strikingly similar to something I said recently – and there really is no better way to get on my good side than to remind me of myself. He remarked that he’s glad everyone got into soccer for a while, but not to get too bummed out when we lose because we still have other stuff. Many countries have nothing other than Soccer. Plus they hate us, which would be like the Lakers losing to Al-Qaeda. A funny bit. Kindler told him that he loves his voice and his onstage manner. Are you listening, Leggero? Kindler just told him he finds him funny, but he went on to explain why he finds him funny, what Roy is doing right. In fact, you know what, Kindler seems like a pretty good guy. He did that Hold Steady bit for David Letterman, which makes me fond of him, and he’s really the Sisyphus of the judges table. I’m gonna go ahead and plug Kindler’s twitter: @KindlerAndy

Myq Kaplan said my favorite phrase of the night, a phrase I’m making my GChat status: Word-Genital Exchange Program. Is there any context in which this is not a remarkable idea? It can be good or bad, but it’s going to be remarkably good or bad! He also said that being called Gay-Friendly makes him Straight-Angry, which also made me laugh. But nothing tops Word-Genital Exchange Program. All hail the hypnotoad. Giraldo called him “a lot of funny in a little package” and Leggero said that while some sell their jokes with personality, he sells his jokes with jokes. This is pretty much the highlight of Leggero’s input tonight. Leggero knows not of the hypnotoad.

Group Two: Rachel Feinstein, Felipe Esparza, Tommy Johnagin, and Laurie Kilmartin. You might notice, this is kind of the mirror image of Group One, where I like every person in it except one. So who gets the boot? The one person I don’t like, Laurie Kilmartin! Adam wins!!!!!

Rachel talked about being in Vegas and having a total douchebag stumble up to her and try to seduce her by explaining that Vegas is about sex and money. (One wonders this man’s take on water: is it wet???) She rejected his attentions, so he moved onto another table of ladies and told them to come to his room where they have “Vodka up the ass”. Another image that fascinates me. Leggero told Rachel that she is the perfect mix of writing and performance. I agree, and I also feel guilty for thinking that Rachel is quite attractive. But she is!

Tommy talked about how when you’re among the Recently Dumped, you can really only talk to other heartbroken people or everything you say will just be mocked or dismissed. Talking with heartbroken folks is great, however, because someone else will always outcrazy you. My favorite part of his set was the number “one-thousand-twenty-one-hundred”. Kindler liked the number as well, and told Tommy he’s “bringing the party back to stalking”.. Leggero said it wasn’t her favorite set of his, with which I also agree.

Felipe talked about living in a gated community where the windows are gated and the doors are gated. He talked about the restaurant that’s parked outside his house. He talked about playing Guitar Hero. Felipe is that standup comic that convinces people they too should be standup comics. What he does is not easy, but he makes it look that way. Will he win doing this? Who the hell knows?

Group Three is Jonathan Thymius and Maronzio Vance. I like both of these guys, but I’m almost certain Jonathan is gone. He’s a pretty incredible comic, but half his stuff soars over the heads of the audience. Craig Robinson informs us that Jonathan is performing again, while Maronzio is out. Fare thee well, Maronzio. I hope to see you perform live someday.

Jonathan takes the mic and exclaims “I made it! I’m on a roll, recently I found out I’m not the Devil. Turns out my underwear said satin, I was just reading it wrong.” He talked about going to a massage parlor and getting a Plausible, More Realistic Ending. He did an impression…of his friend Marty. It was probably the most straightforward set he’s done to date. Kindler applauded his boldness with material, saying that you don’t get lines like “plausible, more realistic ending” without being adventurous with material. Then Leggero called him “silly, gross, and weird”. What’s the over-under on her saying something of value next week?

-By Adam Stovall