DWTS Week Eight Results Night!

November 20, 2009 at 8:51 am Leave a comment

In Monday’s post-dance confessional, Kelly and Louis are literally shaking and weeping as they hug and she declares love for him. They haven’t even been voted off yet and they’re already acting like he’s being shipped off to the front and she’ll have only his pocket fob to remember him by. Whatever happened to carrying yourself like you deserve to be there?

You can’t blame them for sensing the shadow of the guillotine blade. DWTS is in a mood to lay it on thick tonight, casting the cut before the semi-finals as the unkindest of all. No doubt, with the benefit of TV amnesia, they will be painting next week’s pre-Finals cut as equally incomparable (mmm, oxymoron…)

After a reprise of Joanna/Derek’s retro-Future Paso Doble, the first musical guest of the night is crooner Michael Bublé. The load-in crew must love this guy, because he’s just fine with using the house band. All he needs is a microphone; they don’t even have to hump a chair on-stage for him. He opens with his new single “Haven’t Met You Yet”, which is an appealing blend of peppy and wistful. He returns later to sing a hypnotically cool cover of “Feelin’ Good”, filled that fifties brand of boom-boom enticement and a sexy climb to the big finish.

Then we get the return of Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice, and DanceCenter. The promos for this feature are getting almost as good as real SportsCenter promos. The graphical factoids on the competitors aren’t up to the standard of past years – although I do like Aaron Carter’s profile, which reads “Cry Baby…Rapped with Shaq”. And as usual, it devolves into nonsense, with the guys turning an electric football set into a mockup ballroom, and Len telling Kenny he has “the hair of a hooligan”. And they brought in Stacy Keibler for just one brief joke? That’s a waste of assets right there.

Then comes the now-traditional Design-a-Dance, where America™ demonstrates its questionable taste by voting for a Paso Doble to the tune of Eye of the Tiger. It says something that we can never know whether this had to do with internet poll-punking or genuine tackiness. America™ does better in reuniting the once-spurned couple Sabrina and Mark; depending on how far their ballroom passion went off-stage two years ago, this vote may have forced them into facing some awkward memories, but the performance is a reminder that they really were a special couple in the history of the series. The trauma of her early exit may have been better for her long-term than a run at the trophy that ended up going to the very-deserving Hélio.

The other musical feature is the “U.S. Television Debut” of Scottish singer Susan Boyle, whose appearance on “Britain’s Got Talent” became an international sensation for reminding us that homely women can f*cking do things too. I found this “U.S. Television Debut” label to be a noteworothy bit of sophistry for a woman made so famous by YouTube that her singing appeared on the nightly news during time that could have been spent talking about, you know, war. Whose clod of dirt she stood on while singing is becoming vanishingly relevant in the age of broadband fame.

Her voice is as clear and strong as in her day of revelation, and shows signs of coaching and discipline – her handlers have invested in her, and since she did all the initial hard work of living her life to that moment on her own, they stand to profit well by it.

And that guillotine misses Kelly and Louis, landing instead on Aaron and Karina. This had been well-telegraphed by voters’ obvious and consistent dislike of him – his high scores with the judges have been his life vest for at least three weeks. But he had the talent for the finals, and for all my mocking, he really did mature through all the stress and effort. Len requests some personal time before the credits to dictate the final chapter in the surrogate father storyline both seemed happy to write.

Next Week: The Semi-Finals!

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