DWTS Week Three Results Night

Psychodrama is taking hold in the ballroom in the third week’s elimination night. Kelly planted a surprise kiss on Louis at the end of their routine, and it wasn’t quite the full scale lip mash with which Helio assaulted Julianne in his Bananaman prime, but Louis sure did look agog about it. In a later interview, she confesses that during an intense moment of rehearsal she teased him by saying “I dare you to kiss me.” And he said the same thing right back to her; and so she did. You don’t imagine these things happening in Mya and Dmitry’s rehearsals.

Faring worse still is Aaron; who takes being in the middle of the pack (as opposed to “on top” of it) like someone blew up his pet rabbit with firecrackers. He sobs into his hands and reaches for Karina like she’s his Mommy. Perhaps with the intent of seeing what will happen when he’s prodded, the show decides to delay telling him he’s survived to next week by throwing him in their new catchall category for vague phony drama: “still in jeopardy”. Since it’s not based on standings, telling someone they are “still in jeopardy” until later in the show just means the producers want to make those contestants and their fans tighten their bladders for a little longer. And Aaron, waiting for clarity, looks as callow and pissy as the teenaged Anakin Skywalker. And just as capable of mass murder.

Chuck and Anna’s samba is called for a reprise, mostly for the bizarro factor and Chuck’s frightening “fun” grin. He is providing enough novelty to survive past the mid-point of the season if he keeps to his practice.

Queen Latifah is the special musical guest; her new hip-hop single “Fast Car” gets a good funky grind going. She returns later for a cover of “Ease on Down the Road” which is rousing, soulful, and marvelous. The whole crowd is clapping along; and even though she mixes in a little dancing, she doesn’t take the cheap way out and lip-synch. Just one more argument in favor of her awesomeness.

Amazingly, Hammer Tom and Cheryl escape the Bottom Two again. But in spite of the astonishing fan support, he announces his departure anyway. His feet are in too much pain to even practice any more. Host Tom extends him an invite to come back and dance a Texas Two-Step for the finale pending his recovery, and Hammer Tom looks genuinely flattered and thrilled. And thus ends the experiment/culture divide summit meeting that was Tom DeLay on Dancing With the Stars. I don’t think they could have asked for a better result – he was funnier and more self-deprecating than his haters would ever have credited, and worked his indicted patoot off even after injury. He took the show absolutely on its own terms, and that’s more than you can say for Lawrence “See You on the Golf Course” Taylor or Master P.

There’s a useless video package about how peoples’ first impressions of the show and their partner changed. Invariably the show is “much harder” than they thought, and their partner is a beautiful and special human being with whom they have the most amazing partnership. Great use of our time there, ABC.

Next they reveal which former celeb guest the voters have selected to dance in this year’s Design-a-Dance feature. Passing over several former champions, they opt for Sabrina Bryan, who looks like she still feels the boot-print on her behind from her shocking early ouster from Season Five. That trauma has become one of the show’s touchstone moments – whenever one of the message board zealots wants to rally the troops behind their chosen favorite, it is always Sabrina’s name emblazoned on the waving banner of potential injustice.

The Macy’s Stars of Dance guest is the hip-hop crew JabbaWockeeZ; they were ably saluted in Mark and Shawn’s freestyle last season, and Mark gets to live out his groupie dream by slipping behind a mask with Lacey and joining them. Their routine revives Gene Kelly’s legendary Singin’ in the Rain song-and-dance, remixed with an artistic blend of breakin’, pantomime, and tumbling. Their dynamic skill and imagination makes it much more than simple pastiche – it’s a real treat to enjoy, and one of the better Stars of Dance features in recent memory.

The second taped comedy bit is just plain weird – gaming out the odds on potential finalists using Steve Wozniak, an ESPN statistical wonk, and a baby. Dancing With the Stars has truly become an entertainment catchall, the variety Borg of primetime. And I think it wouldn’t be half as glorious if they weren’t still trying things this cock-eyed.

And as the stage clears and the red spotlights loom, Debi returns to the Bottom Two, this time with lowest-scorer Michael. But Debi is the one who gets the boot – either America doesn’t like her talking any more than Maks does, or they still blame her for Batman Forever. Which really isn’t fair at all, America – she was barely even in that movie.

Next Week: Four new dance styles are thrust upon the couples, including Lambada: The Forbidden Dance! (no, really!)