DWTS Week Three Competition Night!

A side effect of the plus-sized contestant pool on this edition of Dancing With the Stars is that some bad dancers are going to enjoy unusually long stays. Next week will be Week Four, and we will still have more than one celeb who could have been a Week One elimination in past seasons. It would make a good storyline if someone from the lower end of the scoreboard was able to transform themselves and make a dramatic climb to glory, but the wheat and chaff already seem to be separating themselves, and the judges are not patient with the rest. I cannot remember ever seeing so many 5s and 4s waving around.

But even though Tom Bergeron is noticeably tired of saying the words Shark Tank (really need a hit out of that show, eh, ABC?), the show is settling into its routine with a closer-to-normal pool of 13 couples.. Though there is some nakedly milked suspense concerning Hammer Tom’s well-being, the show knows it’s a lost episode when there isn’t also an unscripted surprise that gooses everyone near a microphone.

MARK DACASCOS/LACEY SCHWIMMER – Rumba – 18/30

Lacey is playing the teacher more comfortably as she tallies up the seasons as a DWTS pro. Mark’s temperament marries up well with this new maturity; he’s teachable but just hyperactive enough to keep her from being able to put the stern face away. His lines and extensions are more exquisite than we usually get to talk about from a male celeb, and Lacey designs opportunities for him to flaunt it. His natural strength and grace are no longer crutches but pillars – this disciplined but stylish rumba shows he is becoming a dancer. Len, back from the UK, dislikes the lack of “whoomph”; the judges on a whole are down on the emotional content and score him lower than his stumble of the previous week. Chalk me up as disagreeing with them.

JOANNA KRUPA/DEREK HOUGH – Samba – 23/30

Call it his undiscriminating hormones or plain dumb luck, but Derek does seem to know how to forge good floor chemistry with his string of young, incredibly-attractive celebrity partners. How ever does he maintain that boyish enthusiasm for the task? He and Joanna are clicking in their rehearsal methods, and it’s showing up in her muscle memory. His dramatic Tarzan swing opening both pleases the crowd and proves their primary weakness – her dancing is progressing, but her charisma isn’t. He’s not even giving it 80-percent and he is the unquestioned star of the routine. Not only does she seem occasionally fatigued, she’s not even reaching to grab at the spotlight. A samba queen should want to own it. Once again, the judges and I have wholly-different perspectives; they adore her sex appeal and the energy of the routine.

MYA/DMITRY CHAPLIN – Rumba – 27/30

I’m spending a lot of time in Mya’s eyes – I’m sure I’m not the only one, but what I’m looking at is the focus. I want it on the record early that I think her attitude towards this competition makes her as dangerous as anyone, even if she weren’t already developing her dancing chops at a frightening pace. If Joanna wants to know how to exude star quality on the dance floor, she should watch this – Mya’s devastating muscular discipline is a musical instrument all its own, and tells the story even when her hair has whipped in front of her face. Sensual and tender but not delicate, strong and confident but not overbearing, she hits the awesome femininity bulls-eye. Len looks about to throw his back out digging for something to criticize; he settles for a lame “too much content”. From Bruno and Carrie Ann (it’s hard to tell who is smitten more) Mya inspires the first (and second) 10 of the season. Len throws a turdish 7 into the punch bowl after them.

MELISSA JOAN HART/MARK BALLAS – Samba – 19/30

Melissa’s hit that point where the effect of the exercise is beginning to show – she’s got that high metabolism glow and the steps are definitely coming along; but Mark is unable to inspire the passion and attitude that will turn it from a routine into a performance. Melissa is in the caution zone now; in severe danger of being branded a lightweight and tossed overboard. Of her performance, all I can say is that it’s correct but it’s dull; every impact point is glanced off of instead of struck, every pose is achieved rather than embodied. In the second half, she starts remembering to smile and whip that hair around, but it’s too late. The judges are seeing improvement; and objectively I agree, but she is not fixing her fundamental problem, and that is going to limit her span no matter how much muscle grows on her calves.

LOUIE VITO/CHELSIE HIGHTOWER – Rumba – 20/30

From the first sight of Hobbit’s slicked-back hair, you can see the boy-man snap-turn on its way. He has – at least cosmetically – decided to make himself over as someone who heeds the judges and wants to demonstrate his manhood. He is also openly enthusiastic about opportunities to grope Chelsie in the spirit of romance. She is not projecting any opposition to this; and you can hear the girls in the crowd squeal. His charisma and their chemistry are still doing the heavy lifting, and she sells the hell out of the sexy parts in a way she never got to do with that gentleman cowboy last spring. But if you can see through the steam and the hair gel, Hobbit, even at his handsomest, still isn’t giving his all to the dancing part. Carrie Ann is right to praise his frame, and Len is equally right to condemn his lack of finesse. He shoves a 5 right into Louie’s Hobbit Hole; the second time tonight he has scored three below one of the other judges. He looks like he was worried he was losing his touch, needing 41 minutes of primetime to trigger a boo-storm from the crowd.

DEBI MAZAR/MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY – Samba –17/20

Debi’s been scared straight by her Bottom Two exile last week; she is shutting her trap, paying more attention, and even daring to call Special Guest Motivator Mel B “an inspiration”. Mel did have a special way of taking the piss out of Maks – I don’t think that part’s about to rub off because he clearly cannot stand the sound of Debi’s voice even when she’s criticizing herself. Presenting her with a flower at the beginning of the routine is so fraudulent it’s kinky. She works her Samba hips; and that ought to make Bruno happy, but her arms are weak and you can see the self-doubt creeping in during the second half. She’s strongest when pinned to Maks – guess that self-confidence rebuild is going to take a little longer. Debi warns that she’s light-headed, and Tom acts like he seriously does not want to miss catching another fainting diva.

DONNY OSMOND/KYM JOHNSON – Rumba – 21/30

I don’t know if “Mormon Hips” are in any medical textbooks, but he’s showing signs of the disease as Latin passion comes calling. Kym has one of her best students here – he jokes just enough to keep her giggly, but then stows it and prepares for the show like he’s been doing his whole life. They really mesh out there – it’s not sexual chemistry but more a sign of smooth familiarity and trust. She gives him a lot of solo time, and in spite of those Mormon hips he brings the charm. It’s a handsome rumba, not a steamy one; and that ought to please Len. America may not be ready for Donny’s impromptu hurling of Bruno onto the judge’s table in a lover’s dip, but Donny acknowledges it with just the right jibe. Don’t say he isn’t a pro. And with that act, the show is officially hoisted over the goofy bar for the night. Tom’s visit to an addled Paula Abdul in the crowd couldn’t be better timed – she gets in the spirit and offers to make out with Carrie Ann. Actually, she probably would have done that anyway.

MICHAEL IRVIN/ANNA DEMIDOVA – Samba – 14/30

You see that some players dearly need coaching – they get frantic for a lack of it. Part of what put Anna over the top in the new-pro tournament was her ability to get another athlete on task; and now that she is creating a rehearsal framework that makes sense to Michael, he is visibly relieved and confident. But when it’s show time, the crowd is once again confusing “fun to watch him move” with “good dancing”, because while he has a finely-developed groove thing and those splendid biceps, he really isn’t bringing any attack to the routine. He’s relaxed to the point of being sloppy; if this is a party dance, it’s a party with a three-foot bong. Carrie Ann says what he’s needed to hear – he is dancing too small.

NATALIE COUGHLIN/ALEC MAZO – Rumba – 26/30

Bit by bit, Alec is chipping away at this performance problem. For the rumba, he brings in his wife Edyta – who I’m sure is happy for the camera time after having to exit the contest with ol’ whatshisname two weeks ago. She teaches Natalie the importance of eye contact, and then gives her permission to go “all out” with her husband – the crowd is really enjoying this infusion of polygamy; it’s turning into Studio 54 out there. Natalie – who seems to have borrowed one of Edyta’s bra-and-body-slip outfits – unintentionally projects an aloof character that I think actually works for her. Her brief moments of connection with Alec gain a potency in between all her sinewy precision. It’s strong on technique with a lot of leg and just a touch of heat, and it should keep her in the thick of things.

CHUCK LIDDELL/ANNA TREBUNSKAYA – Salsa – 17/30

Chuck knows he is a target for every joke about extreme masculinity – and he appears satisfied with the role. Watching him flail his limbs about in search of party attitude is quality television. Gilles was the all-time champion for hiding full-spectrum audience manipulation behind a humble grin; but Chuck sits through a pedicure with his daughter, and that’s damned canny of him. Even a monster truck driving through mud can look smooth for a few seconds at a time, and that’s how I felt with his samba. For moments it was better than I would have imagined. He’s such a powerful dance partner, and eager, but he still has that tendency to lurch from one position to the next, his energy flow is constantly self-resetting. He looks like he’s having the time of his life on the way, though.

AARON CARTER/KARINA SMIRNOFF – Rumba – 21/30

Aaron announces that he and Karina are “On the top of the pack” – truly, an awkward place to be. He looks worried about the rumba, which calls for gentleness, maturity, and surrender. These are not among his noteworthy attributes. The powder blue mini-gi bathrobe is a bad idea; but even if he was topless and bronzer than Charlton Heston it would not have helped – his rumba is too snappy, fierce, and self-involved. He might not technically have been in a boy band, but this was boy band-style dancing. His performance strengths and young body catch him before he can tumble too far, but this is a clear disappointment of the high expectations he set.

TOM DELAY/CHERYL BURKE – Samba – 15/30

Standing in red-and-white stripes next to Cheryl’s star-spangled dirty pillows, Hammer Tom looks like a lost confused soul who should be the central character in a Kurt Vonnegut novel. In rehearsals he’s by-God doing The Robot, and I want Dr. Sam Beckett to Quantum Leap back in time and make that go away. But he is showing the will to push through stress fractures on both feet at his age, and what else can I do but tip my cap to that? Having been told repeatedly by both doctors and producers to withdraw, as of 24 hours before show-time he is shown, alone, still trying to figure out a way to perform. I have often said that one of the reasons I love DWTS is for those moments when you can see people have cast off whatever reasons brought them to the show, which wouldn’t be worth the real suffering of the training, and now want to perform and strive for excellence for its own sake. I honestly think Tom DeLay caught a glimmer of that lure of the greasepaint, because he must have known he couldn’t win, and already proved whatever point could be proven by surviving Week One. And he still insists on dancing. And, to the strains of War’s “Why Can’t We Be Friends”, he does his simple, sprightly, and damned courageous duty. The audience, including Lance Bass, is on their feet.

KELLY OSBOURNE/LOUIS VAN AMSTEL – Samba – 20/30

Kelly was truly crushed by her last performance; it reached her personally in a way you don’t see in other competitors, either because they have the experience to move beyond it, or have so whittled away their true self for the sake of the cameras that there wasn’t anything left to wound. But she is brittle, and Louis is playing it patient but hoping, obviously, for some growth. Having to go last must have been a brutal test; but she comes out focused and energetic. The song’s beat could trip up any would be samba-er, but she throws herself into the steps and turns and does appreciably well. She doesn’t trust herself to fully extend, but she keeps a steady flow of energy from beginning to end, and that shouldn’t be overlooked. The judges are noticeably tactful in their blend of criticism and encouragement – they’ve done enough flogging for one night.

Next up: Week Three Results Night!