DWTS Week Two Competition Night

With the gargantuan premiere done, Dancing With the Stars can now settle into their routine of culling the pretty couples down to a few lean and limber survivors one week at a time. We have fourteen couples to get through tonight, though, so the tempo is unrelenting. There’s hardly time for any Samantha malaprops, and with Len back home in Blighty for the week, Tom has had his favorite ad lib piñata stolen away.

Sitting in for the Old Cabbage is Strictly Ballroom and Moulin Rouge! director Baz Luhrmann, world cinema’s foremost author of onanistic style abattoirs. He looks very happy that we get to be so happy to see him there. Tom is tasked with fluffing Luhrmann’s filmmography, and mumbles his way through the copy about Australia; which apparently re-invented the sweeping romance while no one was looking.

The contestants are more nervous than usual; none of them feel like they have graduated beyond d@nc3 n00b status, and because of the Wednesday night elimination they have had only four days to prepare a new routine. But every new stress teaches us something.

JOANNA KRUPA/DEREK HOUGH – Jive – 20/30

Joanna seized the top spot in Week One, which bought her some time to develop more of a personality. She still isn’t offering much in that department, although she does label Derek’s incessant hopping-about in her presence “great chemistry”. On the floor her looks are eye-catching and she moves with enough speed and energy for the jive, but has yet to hone the precision impact that will really nail those emotional peaks and give her routines rhythm. She is having fun, but that is not the same as projecting joy. Baz “me too”-s Bruno and Carrie Ann’s footwork criticism to prove he knows about dancing, then moves into airier territory, proclaiming he would like to see more “actual relationship” – Derek looks eager to put this advice into action.

NATALIE COUGHLIN/ALEC MAZO – Quickstep – 21/30

Alec proves his teaching mettle by zeroing in on Natalie’s breathing troubles – her swimmer’s instinct to hold her breath does not translate well. They have a good no-drama rapport during rehearsal; like Gilles and Cheryl but without the forbidden passion. She brings power and athleticism to a quickstep oddly scored to the Jackson 5, along with signs of a budding graceful sweep. She is still struggling to breathe, and reminding herself to smile, so personality is lagging; but her body is learning first and fast, and ought to keep her competitive long enough to have the chance to catch up on the emotional side.

CHUCK LIDDELL/ANNA TREBUNSKAYA – Tango – 19/30

Anna puts Chuck in his happy place by telling him to look at the judges like he wants to “rip their hearts out”. Saying he can do that well is like saying Jack Bauer can get people to open up. Unfortunately, out in the ballroom he treats the tango like he wants to hurl it to the ground and humble it; his fearsome presence is worth a smidgen of awe, but once you remember he is safely in your TV and not able to kill you, you notice he is not achieving a lot of form or steps. Anna is fortunate to have survived with her arms in their sockets. Forced to go first, Baz cannot crib from other judges’ technical observations, and instead improvises some nonsense about “the human story behind” Chuck, and proclaims the work “fantastic”.

MELISSA JOAN HART/MARK BALLAS – Jive – 19/30

Mark has made it his mission to put Melissa at her ease, and is playing the goof with military-level commitment. She is laughing more, and daring more, and looks to be unlocking parts of the dancer within. The actress in her understands the performance perspective on the routine, and she gives the jive her rubber-faced best, but it’s the tentativeness in her legs that drains the routine of energy. She looks afraid to kick out too far and sacrifice her balance, and it makes her come off bottom-heavy. Baz’s “6” score produces a wave of boos from the crowd – they do not realize that his ears have been modified not to hear them.

MICHAEL IRVIN/ANNA DEMIDOVA – Quickstep – 20/30

Michael has responded to last week’s spanking by the judges with ferocious self-criticism – he wants more challenge, and more out of his retired body. This isn’t shapeless frustration; it’s his drive waking up. Anna looks worn out just trying to practice as much as he wants. His frame is drastically improved, especially in the arm position, and his timing now matches well with his natural charisma. He still has an odd hunch in his posture – pinched up at the shoulders, a little bent in the knees. As tall as Anna is, he’s still dancing like he has a short partner, or is afraid to open out fully. Tangos and pasos have a way of macho-lyzing the NFL contenders – maybe that’s what Michael needs. He judges are stuck in 6-and-7 territory. Whichever contestant breaks the pattern will blow the roof off the place.

DEBI MAZAR/MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY – Tango – 21/30

Debi has morphed into a sputtering Woody Allen heroine during rehearsals. Maksim does her the courtesy of looking sheepish about thoroughly smashing her self-confidence and sanity; but behind the remorse he knows that the real teaching can now begin, since the remaining shards of her ego are now locked in orbit around him. On top of improved form, she achieves an excellent haughty in her tango, though her lower half betrays uncertainty now and again. Good points on drama. The house singer tasked to impersonate the tango version of Roxanne from Moulin Rouge! (do we really need more Baz-fluffing? I mean ever?) sounds like a community-theatre Phantom of the Opera with a throat infection.

LOUIE VITO/CHELSIE HIGHTOWER – Jive – 19/30

Hobbit is just so pinchably punk; this season Chelsie doesn’t have to do the oil-water bit with Ty, now she has someone she can relate to. The body language between these two is lively in that way that teenage fans are going to notice. Their jive immediately looks like a trailer for a new High School Musical. He is both confident and relaxed in performance, and that’s an impressive mixture to have in Week Two. He’s irresistible to watch, though he misses more steps than he can grin away, and when Len comes back he’ll have to stow the gymnastics. Bruno works up some righteousness, demanding that Hobbit live up to his potential and not half-ass it. It will be interesting to see how he responds. Yet more 6’s and 7’s.

AARON CARTER/KARINA SMIRNOFF – Quickstep – 27/30

I have never seen Karina – or really any of the pros – as frazzled as she was this week with Aaron. They are selling it as a function of his youth crashing against her high expectations of his potential; it looks as if she needs to top 100 decibels to get through to him that he is not undisputedly awesome in every way, and he is sulking in response. But a lifetime of performing teaches him to bottle that stuff and leave it in the dressing room, because his quickstep to the old Muppet Show theme (complete with a synergistic cameo by Animal on drums) is both elegant and winsome. His attack is more controlled, and his feet have reached a higher velocity than any in the competition so far. The vein in Aaron’s forehead looks like a writhing python when the judges are talking; it’s like he wants to preemptively explode their heads before they can say anything bad. But they don’t. Far from it.

KELLY OSBOURNE/LOUIS VAN AMSTEL – Tango – 19/30

I’ve missed Louis’s delicate way of raising the bar for his partners week after week; he’s smooth like Machiavelli. Kelly’s high obviously lasted only a few hours after elimination night and she has found new reasons to doubt herself. Rome wasn’t made to believe it didn’t look fat in a day. She comes out ferociously, and Louis is marvelous in the way he uses his hands to guide her and tell her what to do next. She loses her way during some tricky turns, and a nervous smile smashes that proud look she had achieved; it isn’t the cathartic surprise of last week, but it will underline that she has some genuine ability. Baz is already becoming repetitive – he spends 90-percent of his time praising the “story”, then inevitably calling the dance “fantastic”. By this time of the night Len would already have given us three bizarre English sayings, five obscure dance terms, and a threat to show his bum in the supermarket.

KATHY IRELAND/TONY DOVOLANI – Quickstep – 18/30

Kathy cannot hide that she is rattled; she’s saying what you are supposed to say to project confidence, but carrying herself like someone who is sure she’s next for the firing squad. I don’t know what attic they found their costumes in, but Tony looks like a cross between a bellboy and a pack of cigarettes. He choreographs a safe quickstep that lets her show off an improved basic posture and some proper steps without risking too much – he’s re-trenching with what he’s got and it might help her escape elimination. But she still looks like she’s keeping too much distance from the whole affair. Tony is betraying the fact that she literally does not want him too near her.

MARK DACASCOS/LACEY SCHWIMMER – Quickstep – 21/30

Mark is the most comfortable of the contestants in the reality show grind – he combines antics with effort; working both the audience at home and the feet under him with equal diligence. And a stumble in this routine’s slow beginning actually seems to defrag his concentration; they hit the floor prancing after that. He has the most handsome posture of any of the contestants and it is shown to consistent advantage in the quick step. Lacey is making better use of his agility and core strength, and he is gaining fluency in the parts of dance language that convey the character of the routine. Carrie Ann describes well his combination of explosive energy and muscular discipline.

MYA/DMITRY CHAPLIN – Jive – 27/30

Mya comes off as very intelligent and assured, I think it stems mostly from her refusal to be dazzled or distracted by the hullaballoo. Her degree of focus is high but not self-destructive; she keeps it cool and methodical. If Dmitry can serve her on the choreography side, it could take her far. And serve her he does tonight – this routine has ingenuity and spice, and showcases moves from her that are stunning in their mod control. Her body is musically sharp; she has earned her confidence out there, and deservedly rockets to the front of the female pack.

TOM DELAY/CHERYL BURKE – Tango – 18/30

No one among the celebrities is honestly making themselves more vulnerable than Tom DeLay; you can see him trying a dramatic tango head whip, and it’s naturally funny because he is not self-aware enough in the moment to try being funny. And then, a pre-stress fracture in his toe opens him up to all kinds of health care jokes; yet he soldiers on. His tango is not challenging in any way but it is confident, and a lot more serious and disciplined than I think people were willing to imagine from him. And damn me if I can’t give that honest props. His age shows in a lack of strength, especially in his office legs. But a wounded stumble on his final pose provokes a cry of empathy from the crowd. Could he be thawing them? Could our country come together at last? Please note: the crowd, which could barely find their hands last week for him, is now BOOING an 18 score.

DONNY OSMOND/KYM JOHNSON – Jive – 25/30

Kym knows just what button to press when she says a certain shoulder carriage will make Donny look younger. It’s dual-layered, because it triggers self-mocking comedy that pleases the crowd, but masks his truly urgent attention to her advice – his eyeballs look like they would be scribbling it down if they knew how to hold a pencil. His sly looks and her tall boots are a good couple in this playful jive – although I could swear the singer altered the lyrics once and pronounced Donny a “Secret Aging Man”. He continues to ride his spotlight instincts, and projects more energy than the age 50+ contestants we’ve seen in the past.

Next up: Week Two Results Night!