DWTS Premiere Night One

The advance of digital technology means the tricks of cinema trickle down to the television screen more quickly than ever. Combine this with “reality” television’s ability to jam the antics of any narcissistic doofus famous, non-famous, or infamous, into hour-long episode templates; and with the help a few dozen non-union editors shackled to workstations, basically any pure emotion that happens in front of a Hollywood camera can be sealed in protective layers of glittering fraud faster than glaze falls on a Krispy Kreme.

In this vein I was delighted to discover that Dancing With the Stars has discovered 1999’s coolest movie fad – bullet time. In a show that still makes merry with disco balls and fog machines, using a little motion-controlled slow-motion whip-around to introduce their celebrities and professional partners counts as audaciously upgraded spectacle. It’s the guileless cheese on this show that’s the tastiest; their shallow flash is so earnest. They pretend to no higher societal purpose than entertainment and I approve of that.

But just as a giant burrito can be too giant, there is such a thing as too much entertainment. And with 16 dancing couples making their debut, I can feel the show listing under the weight. Tom Bergeron, fresh off losing the reality show hosting Emmy to Jeff Probst, is hitting the makeup tent pretty thick – I imagine the guy barely gets a day out of a suit anymore.

I worry about the size of the show. I worry that the cast does not have the apparent charisma of last year’s. I worry that the strategy of simply giving us more dances and more gimmicks has surpassed the point of diminishing returns. Could it be that last year’s rise of Gilles, Shawn and Melissa represented this juggernaut’s moment of foxtrotting the proverbial shark? If so, that probably means that we’ve only got about 6 more seasons before ABC notices – so in the inevitable wind-down, expect contestants along the lines of ALF and the fake pimp from those ACORN videos.

For the first night, only the male celebrities perform; which frees the male pros to open the show. They keep their peacock feathers tucked as they are lowered to the stage on a window washer’s platform. Restrained showing-off is the way to avoid gravity’s wrath. Macy Gray doesn’t have to dance, and either she took advantage of that to hit the bar early or she always walks like that in heels. Or sits in a chair like that.

A large contingent of former contestants are seated prominently in the house, and whenever Donny Osmond was mentioned, they kept cutting to this dark-haired woman with perma-surprised eyebrows and the skin of a tanned alligator, who I now believe was once the human being called Marie Osmond. Maybe this is viral marketing for Surrogates (opening Friday!)

Tonight’s twist is that all the men will perform twice – once in their normal partnerships, and again in a “relay dance”, where each couple performs 30 seconds of the same number, allowing for side-by-side comparisons and extra judges’ points. This is a brutally Darwinian concept (whether Tom DeLay believes in Darwin or not), allowing those with a better Week One talent baseline to pad their leads. But do we really want to see anything else?

AARON CARTER/KARINA SMIRNOFF – Cha-cha-cha – 22/30

Aaron thinks saying that his ideal coach would be beautiful makes him look awesome. People who are the most convinced in the room of their own overwhelming charm rub me the wrong way – then again, I am not the voting demographic so we will see if his “did I mention lately I had a hit single at age 8?” cocksureness goes over. He obviously has the energy and fitness to give him an early advantage; and Karina thinks she’s got something she can sculpt, judging by the fine mix of classic steps and strut she gives him for a first routine. He betrays some nerves early, but has crisp lines and an obvious performer’s sense for the spotlight. He needs to relax, and to work on his neck posture, he spends most of the routine looking like his head is gravitationally drawn towards Karina’s boobs; but this is a strong opening statement. Len surprises with an 8 – maybe summer was good to him.

CHUCK LIDDELL/ANNA TREBUNSKAYA – Foxtrot – 16/30

Chuck has one of those quiet voices you know was earned by the fact that he has beaten everyone louder in his field within an inch of their lives. He could well be a sweetheart but he reminds me of the people on those MSNBC prison shows who talk matter-of-fact-ly about cracking open their cellmate’s skulls and eating their brains. He’s working hard, wants to show a more civilized side; and he’s treating tiny Anna with the utmost respect, but his balance is wired all wrong – every countering muscle wants to move in a different direction than the dance asks. He’s clompy, grimacing, can’t hide his uncertainty – but has a good frame in hold; and I have to say it: his field is built on machismo, and it takes a brave man to venture into territory this foreign in front of this many people. Pinstripes even suit him. He’s afraid now, but knows he can pummel anyone who would mock him for it. And Anna wrote the book early on sculpting athletes with Jerry Rice; if he can survive the first week or two, there’s a chance she’ll help him shake some of the stone off his joints.

MARK DACASCOS/LACEY SCHWIMMER – Cha-cha-cha – 21/30

Mark is that only-works-on-television personality type: the devilish cheeseball. He has spent enough time on reality/competition shows to have fit his charms in their particular box – he speaks in soundbite. And his martial arts background gives him both the balance and instinct for directing physical energy that ought to translate immediately to good hoofing. It’s a front-runner’s combination of assets. His frame and posture are instantly dancer-like, and he does solid work for a rookie, though not without some customary rookie mistakes (uneven sense of fun, head bent, sloppy ending). They can’t do the kung-fu-fighting gimmick every week so they are front-loading it – hopefully they put that gun back in its holster with the idea of using it again if he’s around later in the competition. I’m not supposed to be looking much at Lacey – but I am.

ASHLEY HAMILTON/EDYTA SLIWINSKA – Foxtrot – 15/30

Ashley is not nearly the disarming rascal his father George is, but he is young and comes from fit stock; and Edyta has had to work with less before. He appreciably downplays his physical handicap – his difficulty moving the left side of his body after post-motorcycle accident brain surgery. His foxtrot is rudimentary but has a secret weapon; he shows that he understands that the formula for grace is to make it look like you’re not working too hard. That gives his performance a boost even at its most awkward. Edyta courts trouble with another one of her blatant illegal lifts – Week One, before you know the skill of the competition, is no time to be trying that old trick. Carrie Ann sees too much else wrong to mention it. Bruno is classless in name-checking the elder Hamilton too unfavorably to the younger.

DONNY OSMOND/KYM JOHNSON – Foxtrot – 20/30

We knew this was coming – Donny was just a matter of time. It’s doubtful he will wage such a shamelessly gaga campaign of audience manipulation as his sister; but he’s certainly going to have one of the larger opening night fan bases. His first rehearsal footage with Kym shows promising signs of chemistry. He has such a perpetually-on personality that it can sometimes be tough to distinguish from genuine warmth at first; but Kym is expert at setting goofballs at their giggling ease yet somehow putting them to work at the same time. She backs off on the choreography, putting only a couple dollops of flair onto a generic routine; it frees them up to work with pure showmanship. And that’s a category in which Donny’s an opening day “10”. His performer’s instincts leave all other contestants in the kiddie pool. Len remembers that he is the grumpy one and spanks the routine down to a “6” for excess “razzamatazz”. Welcome back. And – Dancing With the Stars meta-verse alert: dancing to All That Jazz has to count as his audition to be yet another show alum who ends up in a production of Chicago.

LOUIE VITO/CHELSIE HIGHTOWER – Foxtrot – 20/30

Snowboarder Louie is a Hobbit. This cannot be denied by science or logic. He’s a swaggering sort of Hobbit, one who probably used to annoy his Hobbit neighbors with loud midnight cavorting in the pumpkin patch; and that might be something Chelsie – last season’s most unexpectedly effective tutor – could exploit. Plus, the Olympian work ethic has an undeniable track record in the ballroom. There’s work ahead in making him a dancer, his musicality is not internalized yet and Chelsie is masking his deficiencies by twirling around them. But in spite of that, he’s actually adorable out there; he’s showing a natural joy that can be a real force multiplier as the technique sinks in. Knowing what Chelsie can do, I have a feeling he won’t be dispatched to the Shire quite yet. Is Len really knocking his shaggy HAIR? And damn Bruno for making the same Hobbit observation I did. Not only can I not ride that joke as thoroughly as I’d intended, I have to worry about there being any similarity in the way my mind and Bruno’s mind work…

MICHAEL IRVIN/ANNA DEMIDOVA – Cha-cha-cha – 13/30

Michael is striking the right note of humility early on by painting himself as a lifelong chaser of Jerry Rice’s greatness. You don’t have long to define yourself in reality TV, and it’s better to do it with aspirations than some other things that earned him headlines. Anna still looks to be in the afterglow of her victory in the New Pros tournament last season, and is poised to bring some fresh enthusiasm and competitive edge. She’s one of those sunny types you cannot underestimate. Anna immediately shows her daring by giving him a cheeky solo swivel to open, and it makes a good enough impression to paper over a thudding and content-less middle. His hips have a few moves, though not enough yet; and the lip-synching will have to stop. But he does have that grin.

TOM DELAY/CHERYL BURKE – Cha-cha-cha – 16/30

In a way, “The Hammer” gets a free pass for sheer gobsmacking novelty – like in a political debate, he games the system by lowering expectations. All he needs to do is look more comfortable than he does in his mugshot, and he lives to fight another day. Unless, that is, he REALLY honks it. And I’m talking Tucker Carlson bad. One would hope Cheryl, even drawing the short straw as she obviously did, would not let that happen on her watch. But here is where the joke is on Hollywood, because there is something wonderful about the way his very presence makes the show squeamish around him. When you see him giggling self-effacingly “I feel like a complete goose!” and you think about the number of health clinics for the poor he probably de-funded, he’s like a Ricky Gervais skit invading The Land Without Irony. And though most of the crowd gives him the most tepid and grudging applause, he achieves more shaking of the groove thing than they want to admit – like that crazy uncle who shows you up on the dance floor at the wedding. The hips are loose and he succeeds at coming off more dork than Devil, like the Lone Star State Steve Wozniak. By show standards it’s poor stuff, but I salute the guy for enjoying himself. And is Carrie Ann giving HIM the helium giggle? You know what they say about power being the ultimate aphrodisiac.

RELAY DANCE – Salsa

Ashley’s woodenness is now thoroughly exposed – already one of the least-known celebs on his own merits, this dance may have been fatal for him. Chuck has more speed than he can use on the dance floor yet; he’s still protecting his center-of-gravity and holding back on full extensions (strangely, like LAST season’s Chuck). Donny once again shows he has made the earliest fusion of performance and technique of any of the guys – his dance floor persona is already arrived. And Hobbit tempts the wrath of Len with a back hand spring but then settles into an unpolished but cutely-modest routine.

1st place, 10 points – DONNY/KYM (total 30/40)
2nd place, 8 points – LOUIE/CHELSIE (total 28/40)
3rd place, 6 points – CHUCK/ANNA (total 22/40)
4th place, 4 points – ASHLEY/EDYTA (total 19/40)

RELAY DANCE – Viennese Waltz

In this rapid-fire presentation of tag-team gentlemanliness, Aaron has turned himself into Waltzing Draco Malfoy, and is still too vehement in his movements; he’s forcing an idea of the performance, rather than simply giving it. Mark’s frame is going to be an incredible asset in ballroom rounds, if Lacey has the wherewithal to use it – she’s not usually paired with someone who cuts such a classic figure. His feet are a little goofy as he re-trains them from kicking. Tom benefits greatly from Cheryl’s choreography – which is overlooked these days when compared to Mark, Lacey, and the Houghs. She has a remarkable ability to create a routine within her partner’s abilities, then dance in a way that shows them in their best light. His best light isn’t much, but her ability to perform a belief in his charm makes him more charming – the crowd is still noticeably unwelcoming. Michael moves with smoothness and charm even if his form is lousy; Anna is struggling to choreograph for someone this far back on the learning curve.

1st place, 10 points – AARON/KARINA (total 32/40)
2nd place, 8 points – MARK/LACEY (total 29/40)
3rd place, 6 points – MICHAEL/ANNA (total 19/40)
4th place, 4 points – TOM/CHERYL (total 20/40)

Next up: Night Two of the Premiere, and the debut of the Lady Celebs