Daisy of Love : the Swedish are Gate Crashing

Daisy of Love, what’s your opening statement? That you’ve joined a bunch of riff-raff together all in the name of “love”. Oh and way to name drop “Tool Academy” and “Sober House.” By the end of the season you’re going to wish you were half as entertaining as those shows. Damn did I love me some “Tool Academy!”

So let’s get reacquainted with Daisy, what’s up girl? Oh cat sound you say, how interesting! “I dated Brett Micheals on Rock of Love 2,” I wouldn’t call that “dating” honey. All she’s really doing is doing a good job of reminding me why I hated her the first time around. We still haven’t hit the 2 minute mark of this travesty.

Oh man, time for a fake out, the big stretch limo that pulls up to guys who are waiting for Daisy contains only Riki Rachtman. As that one guy (who we’ll come to affectionatly know as Weasel) said “total boner killer.” Rachtman is laying down the law of the land and is telling the boys that they shouldn’t be here for TV exposure, the camera lands on 12 Pack. Rachtman totally calls him out. Then he checks to see who’s in bands, all but 12 Pack and 3 or 4 other guys don’t raise their hands. Rachtman quickly delivers his best line of the night, “your bands all suck and I don’t want to hear anymore about it.”

The boys enter the house and see as stage, cue Daisy and a bunch of striper/dancers come out and sing some lame pop song. She greets the boys and tells them to pick rooms. Aparently for most of the boys that means it’s time to hit the bottle. Some are smarter than this and actually pick good rooms. Of these smarter lads on is 12 Pack and he’s making fun of the party boys in the other room. Oh man, is 12 Pack going to the be the voice of reason on this show? All signs point, oddly enough to yes.

Hey, let’s get to know some of the other bachelors. There some roommate/best friends in the house too. Oh man, Swedish triplets from a metal band! Hahahahahaha. And they’re moawing down on all the food too.

Screw it, we don’t need anymore of this, these boys need names, nick names that is! A dude totally did a sweet back flip. I wonder if he’s a ninja. Daisy lets us know that nick-naming is hard, just like math, good thing she has Rachtman there to help her out. But all Rachtman’s names are hilariously condescending. Rachtman nick names the triplets, 84, 85, 86 as that’s the last time it was acceptable to look like they do. He also has her call one guy Tool Box and another Chi Chi, seriously, Riki has the best job ever!

Daisy can’t believe 12 Pack is here. She even is all “hey what’s yr name” and he sheepishly says “uh… Dave.” Daisy has a problem with 12 Pack as he hooked up with Heather, and Heather tried to kick her ass once. Also, 12 Pack makes fun of New York. Watch out 12 Pack, New York might get a voted in to being Rachtman’s assistant on a VH1 crossover episode and she’ll claw your eyes out.

Now Daisy has to kick off 5 guys. This is way harder that she thought it was going to be. Oh noes! How will she decide who will stay and who will go? I know! Let’s get naked and take slutty pictures! No? Alright, let’s do back yard mixer thingy! This way we’ll get to know more of the men here for Daisy’s, um… let’s just say heart.

So we have Cable Guy with no tattoos and is wearing a CornerStone shirt. Is he a Christian? How’s he going to fare on this show? The triplets talk some serious “we’re here for the good time” smack around Rachtman. Bad move boys. Brooklyn (dull meat head), Daisy (vapid cupie doll) & Torch (dolphin calling Canadian) are all on a couch together to talk. Or rather “talk.” This is the most painful thing I’ve ever seen.

Flipper is now going to jump off the light rack and into the pool to get Daisy’s attention. Will he hurt himself? Daisy is really scared. We know this because she tells us. About a billion times. There’s not a thought in this girl’s head that we don’t hear is there? More drinks are had. There’s some pissing in the back yard. Some dudes are throwing up and passing out. London crashed hard on the floor and throws up a little. Flipper is damn hilarious, blowing a whistle at London as he’s passed out on the floor.

In a totally rad, albeit dick move, Rachtman even makes sure that Daisy talks to Weasel while he’s totally drunk out of his head. Riki’s smile was priceless. After that Daisy finds the passed out London. She’s put out. “Erg. Boys-sa! This is Daisy of Love, not I Love Liquor!” Uh oh drinky drunk party boys, you days are numbered!

Daisy is ready for an immediate booting! So the triplets have to go. Well she’s not about to share herself w/ 3 guys. And I’m very proud of no one making some lame IKEA joke. Hurrah for standards! After this quick impromptu elimination Riki announces a REAL elimination ceremony will be held later. Oh man, and Weasel thought he was safe, now he’s all a-worried. While worrying Weasel passes out. The other boys try to wake him up… but when he won’t they draw on his face in marker. Weasel actually makes it all the way to the elimination ceremony with his marker face. He didn’t even know it was there. Rachtman cracks the damn up.

The passes are on nautical stars? Really? This such icky silly punk-rock/rock star “uniform” stupid.

Dropout gets eliminated first because he’s too goofy. Proof once again that you have to be good looking first, make them laugh second, the girls always say they want a guy that will make them laugh, but come on, you still need to bring the goods up front. Then it’s down to Torch, Weasel and London for the last chain. What? Break time! Damn you VH1! Keeping me on the edge of my seat. And we’re back, thank goodness, and Torch thinks that he’s in for good. You barely spoke and when you did you made weird noises. The other 2 were just balls out drunk. Weasel gets by on his attempt at to engage Daisy. When Torch approaches Daisy he makes a cat noise, but this does not endear Daisy to think they’re kindred spirits and then he gets booted like the weirdo he is. London gets a pass as long as he makes sure to not get so drunk he can’t take care of Daisy when she gets that way in the future. I’m glad Flipper made the cut. Seriously, Flipper is my favorite by far. He is hilarious with his little antics and acrobatics.

Now it’s time to toast over some flasks. Flasks eh? Not as classy as the Champagne of Flavor of Love and I Love New York but miles better than the Brett’s Brew of Rock of Love.

On to Episode 2 of Daisy of Love.

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